I loved, you loved, and we both lost
by Anorptron
Summary: To have loved, is life’s greatest pleasure. To be loved is life’s greatest gift. And yet, love is the source of the worst pain known to man.


Heavy footsteps interrupt Tron's silence. "You're late."

He doesn't get the usual rambling excuse, just a worn, tired, "Not today." There's a sigh. But it's the soft, pleading, "Please." That catches Tron's attention, causing him to turn and face his apprentice.

Something's wrong. Tron knows that, but he's never been good at beating around the bush. So, outright, he asks, "What's happened?"

The only response he gets is a mute shake of his head as Beck climbs the stairs and comes to stand beside him, staring at Argon, but Tron doesn't think he's actually seeing it.

Tron doesn't push him for answers. At least, not right now. Users know that there's been times when he just needed someone beside him, words weren't needed. He hasn't had that sort of program in a long time.

But that doesn't mean he can't be that program for Beck.

So instead of briefing him on his next mission, or continuing to berate him, he gives a soft sigh, and a small nod of his head, before turning around and staring out the window too.

It's quiet in the hideout, almost as quiet as it is when he's alone. He can't recall a time that it's been so quiet with Beck there. Even when the younger program was asleep he made more noise than this.

He wonders what Beck's thinking about, wonders what's happened in the young programs life to make him so morose. Maybe something had happened at work? He wonders, but then shakes his head to himself. It had to be something more than that, Beck would talk to him about work, if that was the problem.

So what else could it be?

Maybe this lifestyle was taking a hard toll on him. That's something Beck probably wouldn't confide in him about. More than likely afraid of letting him down. Tron knows that this job takes a lot out of Beck, but, he never said that starting a revolution would be easy, or without challenge.

He nods slightly, deciding that that is what is bothering Beck, then tries to figure out how to help. Tron wonders when's the last time Beck sat for a nano and just breathed. Probably far too long ago, if ever. It seemed the more time he spent around Tron, the more he picked up Tron's habits. The good and the bad.

Tron starts to ask, suddenly pierced with sharp worry, -users know how he gets when he's in a bad spot- but catches himself just in time. Beck deserves to wallow in peace, but perhaps he can help him feel not quite alone. "Would you like a drink?" He asks instead, _I'm here for you._

"I would love one." _I know. Thank you._

Thankful to have something to do, he retreats back to his shelves and pulls out a bottle of energy and two glasses. He fills both before returning to Beck's side, holding it out to him.

Beck's hand moves from where it was gripping his arm and takes the glass from him. "Thank you."

Tron nods, and takes a sip from his glass. "You are old enough to drink, right?" Tron knows he is.

Beck snorts and his lips twitch up. "Yes, yes. I can legally drink." As if to prove his point he takes a long drink. "Though," he continues, "I don't know why legality would matter, it's not like we obey the law anyway."

The knot in Tron's stomach loosens. "Yes, well, I happen to have helped make this one."

Beck looks to him at that, opens his mouth to respond, but then closes it and looks away. He absently swirls the drink before knocking it back.

The knot tightens, but Tron says nothing.

They stand in silence once more, one absorbed in his own thoughts, the other worrying about the other.

Then after several micros Beck glances to him. "Do you mind if I-" He gestures to his glass.

Tron shakes his head. "Go ahead."

Beck nods and heads to the cabinet, pouring himself another drink. Meanwhile, Tron switches the area to include a set of chairs, across from one another, with a small table in between.

Beck says nothing, but takes the seat across from Tron.

"Can I ask what's wrong?" Tron asks after a moment, voice soft and gentle. Well, as gentle as Tron could be.

Beck stares into his drink and his shoulders slump. "Could we-" He rubs his face. "Could we just talk about it later? I don't- I'm not ready."

Tron doesn't hesitate to nod. "Of course."

"Thank you. Really." He looks up, and for a nano their eyes meet. And Beck looks so, so weary.

He'd do just about anything to make that look go away. "You're welcome, Beck."

Beck leans back and closes his eyes, absently swirling his drink. He hadn't expected Tron to be so accommodating, or understanding. In full honesty he had fully expected Tron to tell him to bug off. Not to give him a drink and try to provide comfort.

Maybe he owes him an explanation. He feels like he does, but what if Tron laughs it off? Or thinks it stupid or suddenly turns cold? Beck can't handle that. Not tonight, not right now

He opens his eyes, just a little bit and peers at his mentor. Tron's still sitting still, holding his drink with both hands as he stares into it.

Beck swallows, then sighs. He has to trust Tron, he just hopes it isn't a mistake. "Did you ever have a counterpart?"

Tron looks up at that, brow furrowing, before he nods. "On the Encom server." He says softly, after a moment. "Her name was Yori."

Beck nods after a second. "How did you handle losing her?"

He takes a sip from his drink. "It...It was hard. I threw myself into work, spent all my time alone." He closes his eyes, that had been one of the hardest times in his life. "But I had friends at the time, like Flynn, Clu or even Dyson." The names leave a bitter taste in his mouth, "They helped get me out of it, eased me back into a healthier routine. Time helped most of all." Tron takes a steadying breath, then looks up, concern glinting in his eyes. "Why do you ask?"

Beck rubs his eyes and shakily sighs. He's on the verge of losing his control of his emotions. "I...I fell in love."

Tron frowns, he hadn't known that. "That should be a good thing."

He leans forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hand. "It should be." He agrees, looking anywhere but at Tron. "But I let him die."

For a nano, Tron doesn't know what to say. So many questions were instantly raised, who? How? When? But, "Oh." Is all that comes out.

His eyes sting with unshed tears, "It was my fault. He died because of me. And I don't- How do I live with that?" He looks up, pleading, begging Tron for answer.

"Beck.." His voice is thick with emotion as he takes Beck's glass and places it on the table with his own. Then moves it out of the way as he scoots his chair forward. "What happened?" His voice is soft, an attempt to comfort.

A sob escapes him and he hides his face in his hands. "I sent him on a mission and- and he never came back." His voice trembles. "The occupation got him- repoursed him- sent him to kill me. He died because of me!"

"That's not your fault." Tron tells him, laying a hand on Beck's shoulder. "He knew the risk, Beck. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself like this."

Beck sniffs and looks up to him, eyes red. "It should've been me." He tells him, voice tiny.

Fear grips Tron in a vice hold. "No." He says firmly, grip tightening on Beck's shoulder. "Don't ever think that."

Beck sits up suddenly, gesturing wildly. "It's true! He should be the Renegade! Not me! He was a soldier, he would be perfect! You would've liked him."

"But he wouldn't be you." Tron reaches back out and pulls Beck close, like Flynn did for him in another lifetime. "He loved you, Beck. He would have wanted you to live."

Beck's fingers latch onto him. "I know." He forces himself to say. "But how do I do this without him? He was everything to me!'

Tron gently rubs his back. "You take it one cycle at a time. You talk to your friends, keep yourself grounded. It'll take time."

His head is hidden in Tron's shoulder, "I just miss him so much." He hiccups and takes a shaky breath, an attempt to calm himself.

Tron lays a hand on Beck's neck. "I know, I know." He closes his eyes, wishing he could make the beta's pain go away. But he knows from experience, that the pain will never truly go away. "Tell me about him?"

He nods and takes a deep breath. "He...He understood what I was going through. He was always there to listen to me, to comfort me, to give me advice." He feels so hollow without him by his side. "And he was funny, always knew how to make me laugh or smile, even if I was having the worst day. He never let me feel alone."

"He sounds like a good man." Tron says softly.

"He was." Beck swears. "The best I've ever known." He goes quiet for a little bit, just focusing on breathing. But then he says: "I wish you could've met him. You would have liked him, I think."

Tron nods. "I'm sure I would have. What was his name?"

"Cutler."

The name is familiar. "That's the program you had to fight in the games, correct?"

"Yeah." He nods. "That's where we met."

Tron laughs a little at that, and shakes his head. "Of course it is."

Beck gives him a gentle shove, "What is that supposed to mean?" He tries to be stern but his amusement is clear.

"It means that you don't do anything simple." He smiles slightly. "Though, to be fair, I don't do anything simple either."

Beck rolls his eyes as he pulls away from Tron and sits up. "Well, duh. I already knew that. It's not like you're very good at hiding it."

Tron raises a brow. "Oh really? That coming from a program who had a crush on an occupation soldier?"

He groans at that, leaning back in the chair. "Oh shut up, that was a while ago."

Tron has to force himself not to grin, and picks his drink up again. "Did I ever tell you how Yori and I met?"

He shakes his head, "I don't know anything about her."

"Well, it all started back on the Encom server..." Tomorrow they'd have to talk about what happened, but for now, he can comfort Beck with a story similar to his own. And hopefully, let him know he isn't alone.


End file.
